Wednesday, February 24, 2010
the importance of missing out
To get through a hard day, sometimes I need to teach myself a mantra that might not be completely accurate. What I mean is, a hard day here is when my colitis is acting up and I just can't get the day started (which seems to be how almost every day has been for the last 2 years) I usually can not leave the house before noon. So any play dates we are invited to or get togethers with friends or story times are not usually an option if they are happening before noon. In mamaland, it seems the time slot between 930-1130 is key- which has never worked for us. Either my stomach or Hazel's nap schedule always seems to fall during that time and we can never quite make it. When that happens I like to tell myself that there is an importance to missing out. Perhaps it builds character? I'd like to think so.
Even when I feel deep down like a terrible mama- because I just can't figure out this gut thing in order to make it to a Sing Along- I am trying to think being here for Hazel-- reading,playing,singing is enough. Who needs other kids? She does- we do. It isn't easy to have an illness that you feel out of control of. I never know when it will erupt and I feel like the last 3 years have made me a shut-in. Forgive me, I don't mean to sound like a complainer- I'm really not complaining and I know how many more terrible- life threatening diseases there are.
When Hazel has gone down for her 9:30 or 10:30 nap (she gets up around 6am) there is quiet (hopefully) and I can sit and think about her life and what we've created for her so far. I am grateful for my brother's children who are always interested in Hazel and an impromptu play date after school. I am so grateful for the friends who invite and try and try- because I do want to go- go -go, I just can't. I haven't a handle on my gut issues and I fear I'll grow to be the woman who missed so much because I didn't feel well. I don't want that for Hazel- I don't want to be the ball & chain slowing her down or missing amazing times of her life while being pent up in the bathroom.
I've always been some what of a shy and anti social person. So in high school when I wasn't invited to things, I mostly stayed at home sewing, creating, dreaming and going with my mom on adventures around the neighboring states searching for thrift store treasures and fine eateries.
But I want to be more social- even though I do think spending time with my mother instead of going to a party gave me more character. I want what is best for Hazel and I am hoping that her missing some things and being an afternooner kid isn't something that will have irreparable damage later on in life.
We have so many dreams as parents. I watch her little body clothed in such tiny things do so much and be so fearless. Pushing a baby doll around, lifting a basket, petting the cat g e n t l y just as we taught her and I am amazed. I'm grateful for the days when I feel OK or even good- because then I can really focus on her. I love her enthusiasm for food and any vegetable I put down in front of her she devours. These little people live a life parallel in a way yet so entwined with us.